Spiritual Cord Cutting: What It Is, How It Is Done and What It Cannot Do

The belief behind the ritual

In the practices that teach it, every close relationship leaves an energetic link, a cord, between two people. Healthy bonds are said to leave the link light and flexible. Painful ones, such as a breakup, a family conflict or a friendship that left you feeling used, are said to leave a cord that keeps pulling at your attention and mood.

The picture is a metaphor with a long pedigree. Many cultures speak of ties, bonds and knots between people, and the language of unfinished emotional business is common to therapy as well. The ritual takes that figure of speech literally and gives it a ceremony.

A simple cord cutting visualisation

Versions differ between teachers. This is a common outline, and you can adapt it. It needs only a quiet place and a pen.

1. Write down what you want to release and from whom, in a sentence or two.
2. Sit comfortably, slow your breathing and let your shoulders drop.
3. Picture the person in front of you at a comfortable distance, and notice a cord running between you.
4. Imagine cutting it with scissors, a blade or light, and watch each end draw back to its owner.
5. Say aloud or silently that you release the person and take back your own attention, then rest for a few breaths.
6. Burn or tear the paper if you like, or keep it, then do something ordinary such as drinking water or going outside.

What research on rituals suggests

There is no study of cord cutting as such, but psychologists have looked at rituals more generally. A 2014 paper by Michael Norton and Francesca Gino found that people who used a ritual after a loss reported less grief, and that a greater sense of control appeared to explain the difference. The effect appeared even in people who did not believe rituals work, which suggests the benefit is linked to that sense of control rather than to the ritual's meaning.

That suggests the practice may help in the same way as writing a letter you never send, or marking an ending with a walk. What it is unlikely to do is end an unresolved problem on its own.

What actually releases a hold: the practical side

If you keep thinking about someone, the ritual alone rarely settles it. People who feel free of a past relationship have usually also changed what they do day to day. The list below covers the steps that most often make the difference.

• Limit contact, including mute or unfollow, for as long as it takes
• Remove objects and photographs that bring on the worry, or put them away
• Tell a friend, or write down the reasons the relationship ended
• Fill the time you spent on the person with something that matters to you
• Talk to a therapist if the memory is intrusive or the loss is large

Cutting ties with a person you must still deal with

A ritual does not change your obligations. If you share children, a workplace or a family with the person, you will still need ordinary boundaries, such as agreed times, written communication and a clear limit on what you will discuss. The ritual may help you feel calmer before those conversations, which is a fair use of it.